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Lets have a clean joke thread. Laughter heals as they say. (NO NASTY, OBSCENE OR COVID19!)

Two people are walking through a forest and came into a clearing. In the middle of the clearing was a big black hole. They walked up to the edge, but it was so black they couldn't see into it. They decided to drop a rock in and listen for how long it took to hit bottom. After pitching a few rocks in, they had not heard any of them. They decided they needed a bigger rock, but upon looking around, they couldn't find a bigger rock. In the clearing they did find an old railroad cross-tie. This thing was very heavy and took both of them to carry it to the edge of the hole. They pitched it into the hole and were waiting for it to hit bottom, when a little white billy goat ran out of forest into the clearing and dove head first into the hole. They were marveling about the billy goat, when a man walks out of the forest and says he is looking for a little white billy goat. They laughed and said that's easy, a moment ago he ran out of the forest and jumped head first into this hole!

The man turned and walked away and said, "that could not have been my billy goat, I had mine tied to a railroad cross-tie."
 
There was this Hell's Angel riding down the road on his motorcycle last winter. He was wearing a leather jacket that had a broken zipper. He finally stopped the bike and thought to himself, "Man, I can't drive anymore with the cold air hitting me in my chest." So he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. He continued driving and came around a bend in the road, lost control and wrecked, coincidentally, right in front of Boudreaux's house. Boudreaux happened to see what happened, and called the Police to report the accident. The Police on the phone asked him, "Is the guy showing any sign of life?" "Well," Boudreaux told him, "He was until I turned his head around the right way!"
 
After a day fishing at a lake near his house, Boudreaux is walking home carrying two big ol' fish in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license. Naturally Boudreaux doesn't have one. He says to the warden, "I didn't catch these fish, they are my pets. Every day I come down to de lake and they jump out of the bucket and I let dem swim for awhile, an' when I whistle, they jump back in the bucket so we can go home." The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. Boudreaux turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the fish back into the water. The warden says, "Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will come out of the water." The fisherman turns to the warden and says with a smile, "What fish?"
 
Man in a pub says to the barman“I want to kill my wife and her mother, they are driving me mad”. “Why not ask Arti, over there”, says the barman, "He used to be a top hitman”. The man tells Arti how his wife and her mother are make his life hell and won't let him drink his beer and watch his football in peace and always complain that he is buying too many Elgrand parts. Arti says "tell you what, because of that i'll do both for one pound". After much discussion and planning Arti agrees to kill both when they are shopping at the Tesco's superstore.

The following day, the man’s wife and mother-in-law are going for the weekly shop at Tesco’s and he contacts Arti with the vehicle details. Arti spots the car arriving and follows the pair into the store and using his honed skills quickly chokes both of them in the changing room in the clothing section. The police using modern technology soon solve the case and the newspapers quickly pick up on the story with the headline "Arti chokes two for a pound at Tesco’s".
 
🤔😉😂
 

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Borrowed from elsewhere!!

POLICE REPORT for Missing Wife.
Husband: My wife is missing !!! She stormed out yesterday and she took my new fishing pole from my man cave !!! We had a row about the money I spend on my fishing. She hasn't been home since !!
Officer: Her age?
Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 35 and 45. We don't really do birthdays......
Officer: Her height?
Husband: Errrrrm i'm not too sure. A little over five-feet tall I think.....
OFFICER: and what does she weigh Sir ?
Husband: Don't know. Shes not slim and shes not really fat....so......
OFFICER: what colour eyes does your wife have ?
Husband: Sort of brown......... I think. Errrrrrm
🤔

OFFICER: What colour hair does she have ?
Husband: It changes a couple times a year.......Maybe its dark brown now..... or was it blonde ??? I'll be honest officer I can't remember.
OFFICER: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been leggings , or possibly jeans or was it shorts. I don't know exactly.....
OFFICER: The pole she took with her......
Husband: ..... yes it was my new £7000 pole
OFFICER: What kind of pole was it?
Husband: Yes its a Browning EXO Sphere Zero-G F1+ Set 17m version.... its made with the highest quality Japanese carbon available with internal reinforcing on all key sections
A true 16m+ pole ready to fish when combined with the Ergonomic Square Pole Protector
Ultra light and ultra stiff, with performance that does not deteriorate even at full length
Ground surface finish and minimal matt paint for fast and easy shipping in all conditions
Supplied with Brownings Ergonomic Pole Protectors (SEPPs)
Designed for comfort and stability in windy conditions
Carbon banded female joints, plus over-wrapped male joints on high-wear sections
It was supplied with camo finished Sphere Multikits, with a unique Duo-bush
This allows a choice of tip size
The Sphere Zero-G also has a conventional length butt in sections of 1.85m
Its fully section compatible with all Sphere poles top 3 section compatible with all Xitan poles
The Sphere Zero-G EXO F1+ 17m Pro set comprises of....
16m Sphere Zero-G F1+ EXO pole
1m Sphere Extender Section
Square Ergonomic Pole Protector to fit 13m
Square Ergonomic Pole Protector to fit 14.5m &16m
Reversible Pole Protector to fit sections 6 &7
5x 2/1 Sphere Duobush STD Cammo Multikits
6x 2/1 Sphere Duobush Light Cammo Multikits
2x 4/1 Sphere Zero-G F1+ standard kits
2x full length C/3 sections
1x Multi Cupping kit
Sphere X Large Multi-pocket pole holdall..........
At this point the husband started choking up
OFFICER: Calm down Sir, take it easy, ...... We'll find your pole...
😜
😝
🤣
 
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