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Lets have a clean joke thread. Laughter heals as they say. (NO NASTY, OBSCENE OR COVID19!)

From the Agony Aunt column...


"Dear Aunt Bessie,
My boyfriend and I started having sex recently and I've missed a period. I'm still a teenager so I'm asking myself whether all this worry was worth it just for an hour's pleasure."
Worried, from London.


Dear Worried from London,
How the hell do you make it last an hour?
Aunt Bessie
 
Ordering a Pizza in 2024

CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know that?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER: WHAT THE HECK?
GOOGLE: I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
 
That sums my day up perfectly Caroline. I seem to have had a complete brain fart all day.
I started the day with a lot of things I wanted to get done but ended up doing none of them.

I eventually just accepted that I wasn't going to even attempt to do anything because I knew I'd make a complete cock-up of everything and have to spend tomorrow sorting things out.
There was a knock on the door this afternoon and two electicians were there to upgrade the fuse on my house electrics so that I can charge the new EV at 7kw. I just stared at them as I had not been informed that they were coming and my brain just wouldn't process what was happening.
They could obviously see that I was confused and offered to come back tomorrow but I got it together and they did their job.
I think I'm just about over it now.

I hope tomorrow is better as I have a very important meeting to go to to. My wife has Dementia (FTD) and has recently been diagnosed with bowel cancer. She partly understands this but doesn't want to have the op to remove it. My son and I are having a meeting with the surgeon tomorrow to sort out Consent as the cancer is in a place that's easily operable and should be completely removed by the op. (Cut and join job.)

The NHS wouldn't do the op unless she had a Colonoscopy to get a good look at it and a biopsy and my wife said "They are NOT putting a camera up MY bum!" She's adamant about this but we finally talked her into getting the colonoscopy under a general anaesthetic. The NHS surgeon said no to this as the waiting list for it would be about six months and we didn't have that long, so we went private and found a surgeon who has looked at the scan and said that he will do it without a colonoscopy or, if deemed necessary, he'll do one while she is under the anaesthetic. We have just got back from a week in the Highlands to keep my wife occupied and were expecting the op to be next week, but it is going to be 4th July unless we can get him to speed things up tomorrow.
I definitely don't need another brain fart tomorrow!
 
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